Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Ever changing, ever failing, but that's okay

It's been a very long time since I've updated this in any way. Whether it's my laziness or lack of any drive, I'll admit I just have not wanted to touch this blog, I have not wanted to share my troubles or my useless meanderings. It's been a very long year full of wins and losses, but it's okay. That's what I've grown to learn. It is okay.

I stopped writing for a long time, and have only recently in the last few days started completely anew. I've thrown out all that I know and love, all the characters and plots I've formed over many many years and erased it all. They still lurk in the bat cave, but I've broken through the walls I formed about myself, and hope that I'm headed in the right direction.

I started to draw again and immerse myself in art, my one true passion. I still have days of drawing like a four year old, but the ache is ebbing and my mind is the better for it.

Through this change, I've started to spend more and more time with my son, actually enjoying our time together instead of treating it like a tedious task. Perhaps I was too young to have a child and hadn't gotten all of my own childish selfishness out, but now we are really connecting and I am truly great full for the blessing that he is. He just started school and I am really happy for all the new experiences he's having, and the stories he tells of his adventures outside our home.

And although I constantly worry about him and the particulars of his personality (which he completely gained from me), I breath, maybe cry, but it's okay.

I've broken promises, but continue to drive change for the better, to better myself, to better my son's life, and to better everyday.

And that's okay.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Rainy Cloud in My Cave of Wonders

That pesky rain cloud that always resurfaces whenever I am on the brink, has returned.

A switch has been flipped within, turning off my happiness. And I can't get it back. I feel like I'm in a cave of perpetual darkness, and there's a light in the far distance, but no matter how fast I run towards it, no matter how many times my fingertips may brush it, it evades me.

Always evades.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Mental

March, it's been a particularly hard month for many people I know, myself included. From the death of a friend, financial hardship, medical issues, and car accidents.

It's been rough for me. I've cried more this month than I can recall since last year. All the while I've kept it together.

I found out yesterday that an old friend had just checked herself into a mental health facility. New Baby and severe depression. It was a bit of a shock. She always seemed so happy, so together, but come to find out she's been suffering for quite some time and the postpartum was to much.

If I didn't have the support of my husband and friends I could very well see myself in her shoes. I've considered it before but it was never fiscally available.

I still get the flight feelings, where I want to drop everything and run, start anew where no one knows me, but Jorge and Sal, my friends,  keep me here.

And thus I move forward, keeping my head up high.

It'll get better.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Breath Deep

It's time to release. I'm selling a lot of my junk. Some of it on eBay, and maybe I'll sell some of it  in a yard sale when the time comes. The rest of the useless junk I posses, will probably hit the DI and the garbage.

I'm so crowded.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Control

So, I'm back on Weight Watchers again. It's been hard to go back but I did and am happy to tell you that I've lost weight!  8 pounds in one week. I've done this program before but have never really grasped the essence of the way it works. I do now and am almost vegetarian now. I eat a little turkey and ham but everything else I eat are veggies. And it's really paid off this week. Just have to keep it up.

And for some great reason I'm in love with celery now. Score one for me.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Addiction

My teeth are gnawing and my mouth is watering. My skeleton tries to move against my muscles. My throat tightens as if I were to cry. I feel like crying.

All for a damn cookie.

I made sugar free cookies, to share at work. They are low weight watchers points, only two, but I could eat them and eat them and eat them all night long, no matter the points.

I had two, and then the craving for another knocked me off my feet.

I'm proud to say, even if my throat is tight and my skeleton is still fighting me, I have not eaten another.

I guess I've come to the realization and horrible truth that as much as I love baking, baking does not love me and having these healthier sweets in my house is only making it harder on me.

I suppose it's time to empty the pantry and put aside baking until I can get everything else under control.

Eva - 1
Skeleton/Stomach/Jaw - 0

Saturday, January 5, 2013

I think I found it.

I've been struggling with writing as of late. I hate my plot lines; they're slow and unexciting. But I think I found it.

My story started off with an idea that I've had for years. I could never really get what I wanted out of me. The characters have changed, their stories have changed, the worlds have changed too many times to recall.

I started this idea of a story back in middle school. I even had awesome (toooootal sarcasm) character names such as Luna, Sean, Guilders, and, of course, my own name. Who wouldn't want to live out a life of fantasy that they themselves wrote? A kick-ass babe with super powers!

I've evolved and changed so many times that I don't even remember what my original plot line was, but one key element which has stayed true through all the versions:  ...not going to say it, who wants spoilers?

So back in July of last year, I decided to buckle down with this idea and write. I did not get as far as I had hoped. So I stepped back and looked at my characters. It was time for something new, something different, and I went with it.

I wrote and wrote, and wrote some more, a back story for my main character who is both good and bad. I have never had so much affection and attachment to any character I've created. And her back story, turned into a story in itself. I've written 60,000 words to her story.

But it wasn't enough. I took those words and opened a whole new project, trying to write in other characters and their points of view... and failed, miserably.

So again, I released myself from my story, her story, and looked at the picture as a whole. There were important pieces missing. I may think that what I wrote was totally awesome, but it lacked completely in many important aspects.

So, I opened yet another project, my current project, and returned to my roots of the story. Using pieces from her back story, I've been able to continue what I had originally set out to do, and maybe have just found my reader's hook.

It's still early, I'm only 9000 words in, but the flow has been much smoother and the characters more interesting and diverse. (Although I do need more male characters, heh)

I've given myself a year to complete this project. When that year is up, I'll edit and do the gut gnawing task of letting others read and criticize.


Come hell or high water, I'll let others read what I've written in one year. That's a promise.