Mental

March, it's been a particularly hard month for many people I know, myself included. From the death of a friend, financial hardship, medical issues, and car accidents.

It's been rough for me. I've cried more this month than I can recall since last year. All the while I've kept it together.

I found out yesterday that an old friend had just checked herself into a mental health facility. New Baby and severe depression. It was a bit of a shock. She always seemed so happy, so together, but come to find out she's been suffering for quite some time and the postpartum was to much.

If I didn't have the support of my husband and friends I could very well see myself in her shoes. I've considered it before but it was never fiscally available.

I still get the flight feelings, where I want to drop everything and run, start anew where no one knows me, but Jorge and Sal, my friends,  keep me here.

And thus I move forward, keeping my head up high.

It'll get better.

Breath Deep

It's time to release. I'm selling a lot of my junk. Some of it on eBay, and maybe I'll sell some of it  in a yard sale when the time comes. The rest of the useless junk I posses, will probably hit the DI and the garbage.

I'm so crowded.

Control

So, I'm back on Weight Watchers again. It's been hard to go back but I did and am happy to tell you that I've lost weight!  8 pounds in one week. I've done this program before but have never really grasped the essence of the way it works. I do now and am almost vegetarian now. I eat a little turkey and ham but everything else I eat are veggies. And it's really paid off this week. Just have to keep it up.

And for some great reason I'm in love with celery now. Score one for me.

Addiction

My teeth are gnawing and my mouth is watering. My skeleton tries to move against my muscles. My throat tightens as if I were to cry. I feel like crying.

All for a damn cookie.

I made sugar free cookies, to share at work. They are low weight watchers points, only two, but I could eat them and eat them and eat them all night long, no matter the points.

I had two, and then the craving for another knocked me off my feet.

I'm proud to say, even if my throat is tight and my skeleton is still fighting me, I have not eaten another.

I guess I've come to the realization and horrible truth that as much as I love baking, baking does not love me and having these healthier sweets in my house is only making it harder on me.

I suppose it's time to empty the pantry and put aside baking until I can get everything else under control.

Eva - 1
Skeleton/Stomach/Jaw - 0

I think I found it.

I've been struggling with writing as of late. I hate my plot lines; they're slow and unexciting. But I think I found it.

My story started off with an idea that I've had for years. I could never really get what I wanted out of me. The characters have changed, their stories have changed, the worlds have changed too many times to recall.

I started this idea of a story back in middle school. I even had awesome (toooootal sarcasm) character names such as Luna, Sean, Guilders, and, of course, my own name. Who wouldn't want to live out a life of fantasy that they themselves wrote? A kick-ass babe with super powers!

I've evolved and changed so many times that I don't even remember what my original plot line was, but one key element which has stayed true through all the versions:  ...not going to say it, who wants spoilers?

So back in July of last year, I decided to buckle down with this idea and write. I did not get as far as I had hoped. So I stepped back and looked at my characters. It was time for something new, something different, and I went with it.

I wrote and wrote, and wrote some more, a back story for my main character who is both good and bad. I have never had so much affection and attachment to any character I've created. And her back story, turned into a story in itself. I've written 60,000 words to her story.

But it wasn't enough. I took those words and opened a whole new project, trying to write in other characters and their points of view... and failed, miserably.

So again, I released myself from my story, her story, and looked at the picture as a whole. There were important pieces missing. I may think that what I wrote was totally awesome, but it lacked completely in many important aspects.

So, I opened yet another project, my current project, and returned to my roots of the story. Using pieces from her back story, I've been able to continue what I had originally set out to do, and maybe have just found my reader's hook.

It's still early, I'm only 9000 words in, but the flow has been much smoother and the characters more interesting and diverse. (Although I do need more male characters, heh)

I've given myself a year to complete this project. When that year is up, I'll edit and do the gut gnawing task of letting others read and criticize.


Come hell or high water, I'll let others read what I've written in one year. That's a promise.

What a day.

At long last, the holiday season had finally come to a close. I'm home, with no other obligations.

This week has been a long one. With two Christmases and a plethora of family members, I have been on my feet and out my door more often than I can recall.

But it was fun, so much fun.

Sal and I baked cookies, using a great recipe I found on the Food Network website: HERE

We packed some of these cookies up along with some cheese/onion biscuits I made and took them to a friend's house, she and her baby were both very sick, but this made their day. 

Sal had a great Christmas as well, including a new member of our family, Sally the male veil tail beta: 

I was also able to see my sister, more so that I have in the last few months, I miss her. Here she is in a Totoro full jammie:

We had our traditional homemade Christmas pizzas:

With wine:

And then something both heart wrenching and amazing happened. I received a photo album with all sort of photos of myself from a baby to just last year that my mother had compiled. I started to cry.

However, a box was then set in front of me:

And inside this box was an even bigger treasure:

Stacks upon stacks of photos of my childhood, passed from my mother to me. Tears would not stop flowing. I am amazed, stunned, grateful, and loved. This was by far the best present I have ever received.

So with that, I'll end this photo blog post. Merry Christmas to everyone, happy holidays, etc etc.

I can only hope and wish that this next year is better for all my family, friends, and myself.

Also, as I always do, random photo of the evening:

Hulk guarding the Christmas cookies

Lost It.

Today was rough. Today I wanted to give up and let the universe take me.

I snapped, big time, at Sal. He just kept whining and whining and would not shut up, would not listen, and kept going and going and going. I screamed at him, pushed him away from me, and then hid in the bathroom, slamming the door and turning the lock.

I broke down and wept. I couldn't handle my four year old. Then the panic ensued and air just would not reach the depths of my lungs.

Panic attack.

I hate them with all my might and I was lucky that Jorge was home to handle Sal.

Today was rough, and I snapped.

And my poor beautiful Sal, I let loose on him and I feel like a piece of shit for it.